Wakestock interview: Goldie Lookin’ Chain

We interupt the Welsh chav-rappers skinning up back stage to throw an American football about and chat to them about monkeys, gold medallions, and their plans to invent an interactive porn machine!

[r-zone1]Goldie Lookin’ Chain are lookin’ pretty tired. They’ve been on a relentless road journey all summer, putting in appearances at Glastonbury, Ibiza and now Wakestock – to name just a few. Several of them are fast asleep in their tour bus, the others are throwing a ball around and smoking spliffs to keep themselves awake prior to their Saturday night headline slot. Taking a breather to skin up another, Adam Hussain, Mike Balls, and Mystikal happily chat to VF, show off their medallions, and invite us to join the band – providing we have ‘fags, draw, and rizla’ of course. You knows it!

Virtual Festivals: So what brings you to Wakestock. Is it ‘cos you is Welsh?
M: Well, we heard it’s supposed to be a grand concoction of drugs, beer, wakeboarding, and fit young ladies, so it sounded like a laugh. It’s also close to Port Merrion, which is where ‘The Prisoner’ was filmed – a definite bonus. 
AH: We heard it’s the Welsh Glastonbury and there would be lots of mushrooms, so we thought we’d come check ’em out. It’s wierd playing festivals ‘cos it’s like being in Butlins on a tour bus. But being out in the country is safe. It makes me feel like the Beastmaster off TV. I’m feeling the power – I’m at one with the animals and nature, yeh.

[l-zone2]VF: Talking of animals, we hear you plan to adopt a monkey.
MB: Yeh, we want our own pet monkey. We’re going to call it either 9 Bar or Jolene.
M: (sings) Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Joleeeeene.
MB: We’re going to teach it to make us afternoon tea, skin up, and play top trumps. We’ll get it making music and maybe breakdancing as well.
M: We haven’t worked out what breed of monkey yet, it just has to be a very intelligent ape. An Orang Utang would be nice but it might cause a bit too much damage and our bus driver might not be too chuffed.

VF: How did Goldie Lookin’ Chain start out? 
M: It all started with cherry aid, Space Raider crisps, Tizer, and gobstoppers – basically ’80s confectionary. We all came together out of a common love for all things sweet and safe.
AH: We wanted to put the meat back into hip-hop and open it up so that anyone can join provided they’re safe and not a dickhead.

[r-zone3]VF: So can we be in your band then?
M: Of course you can. You can both join as long as you’ve got draw, fags and Rizla. We’ve got loads of members. Some of them we don’t even know their names.
MB: I’m not really friends with any of them!
M: For gigs like these we just see who’s around in Newport at the time, round ’em up, fuck off on the bus, and put something together. We treat new members like one of them old clocks. We try to wind ’em up to the max and then let them go and just see what happens.  
,[r-zone1]VF: So how does something so disorganised actually work?
AH: We don’t work really!
M: I suppose we operate like a voluntary organisation, a charity you could say. Everyone’s in the same boat and we just don’t take it too seriously and just live for the now. If you think about what we’re doing too much it just doesn’t make sense and does your ‘ed in, but if you don’t think about it, it just makes total sense really.
AH: We’re like the A-Team really, just a bit sweatier. We bowl into places and sort things out proper, only we don’t make things out of metal in garages that we’re trapped in, we make things out of Rizla and cardboard and smoke it up. We’re just spreading the message, ‘don’t be a dickhead, go drink some brandy’. Check this out (shows us a diamante-studded medallion shaped in the words ‘Goldie Lookin’ Chain’). It’s spot-on, innit? I got this especially made, see. It’s a Madame Hooch exclusive. This is what we’re about. Classy jewelery. You knows it!

[l-zone2]VF: So what’s next for the GLC?
AH: I’m making this thing, yeh, it’s an interactive porn masturbator. Basically, it’s a DVD player with an inbuilt porn film and two cords sticking out, one for a man one for a woman, both with vibrator attachments on the end. I suppose the bloke’s one would have to be some kind of balls manipulator. So you sit with your missus, or whoever, stick the attachments on, or in, watch this film and you get jacked off to the same rythmn as the couple shagging on screen! So you’re watching porn on TV and you’re interactive at the same time getting electronically frisked! We’re all forward thinking individuals see. Dipper Naan over there is the league champion of spoon tapping. He lit up Ibiza with his skills.

VF: How was Ibiza for you boys?
M: It was very heavy and required a very long sleep. Sod all the other drugs, sleep is the most addictive drug known to man. We had a lovely time but the whole trip caused a lot of blisters and sores around the feet and armpit areas, in fact around most sweaty parts. There was a lot of baby lotion going around and plasters – lots of plasters. And some very nice looking young ladies.

[r-zone3]Would you say it was one of your best gigs?
M: I reckon our best gig was Glastonbury ‘cos, well, it was just Glastonbury, it was my first festival, and everyone was well into it and fucked on mushrooms. And then of course there were the drinking game with you lot (Virtual Festivals won incidentally!). I wasn’t there myself but the others came back hanging and I saw the photos. We can’t say what tonight’s show’s going to be like really. It kind of depends on who can be bothered to get out of bed. Every show’s a different, independent experience but, at the same time, all part of the same, universal show – the rich tapestry of life, I suppose.