K-Festival 2005

United Kingdom | | 23 July 2005

Someone with a good eye for a party, that's who, and that someone has created a hilltop, surfside banquet fit for all, in Cornwall's K-Festival. Actually, the 'fit all tag' bit may be a lie, because evidently there's a few disgruntled locals pasting poster rumours of a no show by headliners The Happy Mondays, but we can confirm there's been a pasty, sweaty drunk mulling around in the backstage area.

Martin Harley Band are awash with skiffle beach bum noodling, perfect for the early morning bobbers and those interested in making bass guitars out of driftwood. Bassist Pete seems happy to slide his digits up a fretless table leg instead of your standard Fender, obviously not taking the music business too seriously then...cor I tell you if he was in my band I'd have him out on his skinny little ass.

Apparently Bez has decided the world is ready to relive the 90's again through his new(ish) band Domino Bones. The gurning goon manages to fire up the crowd and deliver some infectious cracks at pop domination, like the horizontal funk of 'Gotta Believe in The Sunshine' and the infinitely contagious 'Heebie Geebies'; our Bez is onto a sure fire winner!

With a name like Easy Kill its inevitable they're gonna grate against the Bermuda shorts brigade, but these Cornwallians give no cause for concern with the subtle starter 'Fuck You'. Those who remain witness the West Country's answer to new-wave Americana rock...and it's as good as its sounds (shite)!

K-Festival's second stage is a friggin joke, and Virtual Festivals experiences total frustration at the lack of information on who's playing; all stage times are floating in the mucky vacant space between organisers' ears. One band we do manage to get the name of is The Sonic Art who at points display some nifty atmospherics but again fall foul to 90's Americana rock.

Back at the main stage The Black Velvets bring a massive slab of sleaze rock and attempt to stuff it up the ass of the gathered dudes and dudettes, and to be honest its just about bearable. These small stages are what suit bands of this calibre, more attitude and image than tunes, more AC/DC than BRMC, but that doesn't mean they don't rooock! 'Get On Your Life' is dispensed early whilst 'Lady Lime' touches all the parts that pastiche balls out rock should, and the crowd seem suitably fulfilled.

Cheery faced chubsters The Magic Numbers must be shattered. The festival slags have been pumping out their whimsical notes up and down the land for months now, but still manage to command the same levels of adoration. There's something almost religious about watching their round little heads beaming whilst being serenaded by the sweetest voices singing soppy pop songs. Both 'Forever Lost' and latest single 'Love Me Like You' are absorbed with Tantric pleasure whilst set closer 'The Beard' (named at this years Isle of Wight festival after Romeo asked the crowd for a name!) gives the crowd a chance to unload hoedown style.

The big question is what the hell are Bodyrockers doing here? It aint T4 on the beach, but we seem to be the only people bothered by the music. With the insipid 'I Like The Way' the Bodyrockers do indeed rock the body of the thousands gathered. To be honest, we've lost the plot, and no amount of snobbery is gonna stop the rising euphoria.

When The Happy Mondays finally ramble their way onstage, the crowd is literally foaming with anticipation ... as is Shaun, but his buzz is hardly anticipation. It's an uncomfortable spectacle, Shaun rooted to the spot clawing his brain for words and rhythm and Bez prancing about like a Benny hill extra. The farce is highlighted by the slick session-like efficiency of the backing band, at total opposition to the raw emotion given off by the surviving members. But then what can you do? Without the musical backbone they wouldn't utter a note in time or tune. We do get all the classics, 'Loose Fit', 'Step On', 'Hallelujah' and even Virtual Festivals' own favourite 'Wrote For Luck', which gets a fabulous reception and some casual monkey moves from the massive. It's acceptable, its fun, but it's a far cry from triumphant shows witnessed in the past. But who are we to complain? They're (barely!) living legends.

It's been a great festival, the music has played second fiddle to an atmosphere as loose as your granny's pants. It's just a shame so few people turned out to witness what was K-Festival's second coming. Next year we suggest you make the pilgrimage.