A Rough Guide To Rock Festivals

Getting your pitch:
- It doesn’t matter where you pitch up as you’re unlikely to get any sleep in your tent anyway.
- Instead use it as storage for your tent bag as you should have only brought one set of clothes for the weekend. That or an ‘I’m too hammered’ crash-out spot.
- Then crack open a beer and join in with your neighbours’ roars of appreciation along to the Slayer and Maiden blaring from their boombox.

What to wear to avoid a beating:
- Firstly having some sort of band merchandise is essential, because if you do not own a band’s merchandise – you are not a real fan!
- If you’ve forgotten this essential item pop over to the official stalls or stray bootleggers to grab yourself a t-shirt/hoodie/beanie.
- Choosing the right colour for your getup is vital too: it has to be black.
- Finish your ‘anti-beating’ attire with baggy jeans, skate shorts or cargo pants.

Get stuck in:
- After spilling can after can of warm beer down your new clothes and grabbing a sleepless night rest its time for you to hit the main arena.
- Before you enter the lair grab yourself a nice cold beer from one of the many bars. A pint makes you look hard so under no circumstances should you buy a vodka and mixer.
- Start off steady and ease yourself into the crowd. Use spontaneous head-banging and rock-roars of appreciation to fit in before heading towards the circle pits.

The Mosh Pit:
- The closer you get towards the stage, the stranger things become: demonic air-guitar and possessed headbangers become more frequent, then there is the mosh pit.
- Rule one about the mosh pit: it’s all about fun and you’re expected to behave in a ravenous yet responsible manner.
-  If a fellow mosher falls victim to the pit: PICK THEM UP. Nobody wants a serious injury; unless of course the said victim is sporting a crap band tee, in which case you are required to deliver nipple cripples, wet-willies and other assorted childhood tortures.

Watch what you wear:
- While almost a requirement of entry to a rock fest, chains and spikes are an immensely dangerous prospect when mixed with a pit, so think first!
- Chains fling about, entwining themselves with the limbs and possessions of others; spikes scratch, scrape, stab and poke eyes out.
- Another dangerous combo is new rock boots and piercings. Piercings can be ripped out and new boots are extremely hazardous: they can crush feet and be potentially deadly should you partake in the art of crowd surfing.

Bottling is not big or clever:
- Bottling the band is a no-no. It may seem hilarious at the time, but even the mighty Marilyn Manson has thrown a hissy fit and pulled the plug two songs in after Twiggy copped a plastic water bottle square in the noggin.
- We strongly oppose testing the airborne capabilities of beer too, particularly as you won't be able to afford another one until next year's festival.

Darkness falls:
- Following a long and enjoyable day of rock and roll racket, you'll surely be far too hyped to simply return to the campsite and bunk down for the night. Fortunately for you, this is the case for just about everybody else, and communally you can make a whole lotta noise well into the early hours.
- Of course, you could get to night time and feel absolutely shattered from rocking out and drinking far too much booze. If this is the case, either crack on regardless, or recharge the batteries for another day of moshing mayhem.

NB: The above is based purely on experience and is merely a guide. We don't condone drink or drug abuse but are well aware it goes on at festivals. For official advice on alcohol and drugs Talk To Frank.